The Dying Art of Talking to Strangers

It was a strange reality: I sat alone, in my snug middle seat on a flight to Hawai’i. A couple in their 50s sat next to me. When we landed, we both began to speak to each other. In ten minutes, I learned so much about them. Their son had moved and married there. They now visit every year, with knowledge of the place that rivals a tour guide’s. They gave me tips on hikes, beaches, and a certain wave to avoid if I value my bones remaining unbroken. Moreover, it was interesting hearing about their experience; how they unexpectedly became O’ahu regulars later in life.

“John, you said this was a strange reality, but that sounds like a pretty normal interaction.”

Great observation, dear reader! The strange part is the timeline. For 8 hours we sat quietly next to each other (I watched Zoolander for the first time), and then, after landing, we jammed the last ten minutes we had together with conversation. I then realized that I see this quite often on planes, not just in my experience, but in the aisles around me. We wait for the tail end of a long experience near a stranger before we engage in conversation, if we do at all. I think this happens because of two criteria:

Expectation: We worry that if we engage in conversation early in a flight/train ride/waiting room, we’ll be expected to maintain this conversation. Once we’ve established a bit of an acquaintanceship, we seem uneasy to return to the silence typical between strangers. We feel more comfortable sitting silently beside a stranger than we do with someone to whom we’ve had the courtesy of introducing ourselves. I think that’s a flaw. The quality of conversation isn’t necessarily found in its staying power. I like to think that any bit of connection between strangers, however fleeting, is of value. It’s why I’ll often speak to someone, and then simply return to silence when there’s nothing more to be said in the moment. I think displaying that comfort helps others feel it too, and the shackles of that feeling of expectation begin to loosen.

This leads to the other criterion: indebtedness. Maybe we feel we owe them our attention once attention has been given. We’re social mammals, it’s why we might wave or nod our head to someone we pass on the sidewalk. We feel a natural sense that we owe this person the courtesy of consideration. Or, perhaps the silence just feels weirder after we’ve made it clear we are open to conversation. This rears its head in ugly ways. You speak to someone early in a flight, and they (often subconsciously) so detest the return to silence that they speak for most of the trip, scarcely allowing a moment’s peace. That could explain the decision to stay quiet. One worries the other person will take the early conversation as an invitation to talk the whole time. So, they play it safe, avoiding the woes of both the awkward and the annoying…

• The former comes down to simple practice. “Awkward” silence isn’t even awkward most of the time. It’s just natural. It’s okay to say things, and then to—wait for it—not say things! That’s often just how conversation flows when meeting someone!

• The latter comes down to whether we are comfortable enough to tell the Chatty Chuck “that’s an interesting story! Well, I’m gonna chill for a bit and watch the Barbie movie. Nice meeting you, man.” I suppose this one takes practice as well.

I can’t harp on this topic without acknowledging the fact that our addiction to smart phones and our increasing isolation from one another seem to be eroding our ability to have casual, comfortable conversation. It’s likely why this act of talking to strangers is becoming rarer. The sad reality is that the flights and waiting rooms in question are dominated now by silent people, concerned only with the rectangle in their hand, the idea of meeting a stranger with a unique life story now an afterthought, if it’s thought of at all. Not that everything has to have some sort of health benefit to be worth doing, but it’s important to remember that talking with strangers can have positive effects on mental health. And yes, I realize there is a time and place. A doctor’s waiting room? Great! A dimly-lit alley way at 1:00 AM? Not great!

Remember, every friend you’ve ever had was once a stranger, and the surest way to make no more friends is to speak to no more strangers. Hang up and hang out more often… yes, even in the dentist’s waiting room.

I’ll wrap it up there.

John